Philip-Lorca diCorcia

Actually stunned by how much I truly enjoy and appreciate this photograph by Philip-Lorca diCorcia.

Dalmatian Is In

Just last week while in St. Louis, Missouri,  I picked up a pair of Louis Féraud pants with a dalmatian pattern. I now feel like it wasn't too crazy of a purchase after seeing Acne's Pre-Fall/Winter 2013 collection. 

Come Fuck with Me, World

Preparing myself to become all that I am capable of becoming. Physically, emotionally, and career wise... All with the help of my pup, Kennedy.

A Bootie for Flounder

In lighter news to what I have just been writing and publishing about, I want to record the event that one of our family's welsh corgis (the one I am discussing is named Flounder and is the cutest little piece of shit that has ever existed) has just recently eaten one of Rachel Comey booties. Although not to the point of complete devastation, it is noticeable and a terrible tragedy in the Milne household.

SELF CARE AND LOVE

This will hopefully be the last of this mini-series that I have decided to publish today. This is about what is at the core of all other goals and practices.

I grew up with an incredible mother who has never wanted anything but the absolute best for me. She has done whatever she could in her power to make sure that I have had the best lifestyle and overall quality of life possible. 

That being said, I shouldn't have many reasons to not love myself or feel worthy and capable of whatever it is that I desire. With the exception of a decently shitty father and somewhere a long the way, a terribly fucked up idea of my self-image, I have been given almost all everything that I wanted. But I can no longer rely on my parents to give me everything I want, not because they no longer want to, but because the no longer can. What I want is not tangible, it cannot be purchased or taken from a hug and a good talk (all of which I still love), but now I desire to be self-made. To accomplish things on my own and to claim my successes as my own. I want to rely on myself, with the support of family and friends, and become someone that has a voice of her own and is using it to do something she loves. 

I believe that having such desires is an admirable thing. Wanting to become something and someone is an idea that I think most people struggle with and desire, but it is the act of doing so that I find the most daunting and think is where most people either get stuck and fall or stumble and push through and find that they have reached their goal.

Reaching my goals (although again I'm not fully sure what they are) is the most important thing to me and in order to reach these goals, I am putting together yet another list to help remind myself of what it is that I need to do in order to reach them!

A custom-made list full of petty yet extremely meaningful and customized feelings and thoughts to reming myself of daily, hourly, minutely:

-dress well

(dress to impress yourself, buy clothing that fits you well. doing this will follow getting in shape and becoming more confident with who you are and your body. don't wear workout pants and an oversized top unless that's what you want to wear and feel makes you look beautiful that day)

(make a statement with how you dress. ALWAYS. dress practically... because you are a student and you cant just make a living looking pretty... four-inch heels and a fragile silk blouse are not always practical for your daily life, but don't be afraid to wear something fresh and funky. Again, your weight is always something you consider when wearing something interesting; because drawing attention to yourself means drawing attention to your body, your face, everything about you that you sometimes don't want others to see. but you know that you have an incredible sense of style so don't second guess your outfits, and eventually you will stop second-guessing yourself)

-hygiene

(wash your face twice a day [even if you're in a rush or too tired and drunk and cannot even fathom the idea of moving your body an inch... FUCKING DO IT OR DIE], put on makeup, whiten teeth, floss, wear you retainer, shower, shave, and wash your hair often, make yourself feel pretty because it will most certainly translate in how you feel about yourself when around others)

-your body

(it is always going to be good, you're not huge, you have that going for you. remember that even when you feel giant, you've probably been bigger before and even if not, your highest weight is still the average for your height... but you're not a model and I know life sucks because of that fact [but it actually doesn't]. you are your biggest critic, no one [with the exception of a really terrible person/ex-boyfriend] will EVER criticize you the way that you criticize yourself.)

I Have Goals: Living in Moderation

In the case that I start to forget what it is that I am working towards, I am assembling a small list of reminders of what it is that I am working towards:

-my health physically 

(exercising in a relaxed way such as runs, jogs, walks, small at home routines and exercises)

-my health mentally 

(purging myself of those unhealthy people in my life who have made me feel inferior, sad, and have brought me down)

-eating well 

(a much more complicated element of physical health. I want to be able to enjoy the delicious things in extreme moderation, not necessarily because large quantities will make me fat, but because I know how much better I feel when the bulk of my food is "health-food". moderating the amount of sugars and grains that I eat keeps me more energized and feeling lighter yet full. Also, not binge drinking [getting drunk] often, although i'm in college and it's still considered fairly acceptable to get drunk on a weekend night, it is unproductive and leaves my body feeling like a slug the entire next day)

-a career

(although I am not sure what exactly I want to do with a fashion marketing and management degree, I know that it is an industry that captivates me and is what I want to be a part of)

-being a better friend 

(I am known for dropping out of peoples' lives when my own gets stressful and overbearing, I am hoping to learn healthier relationship skills and to put those into action, not overwhelming myself with my own or someone else's problems so that I can be a good friend to everyone, especially myself)

And finally, a goal that wraps up and includes them all, living in moderation and self care/love. 

To me, this means to take everything in small or medium doses. Something hard to figure out and manage at only nineteen, but a habit i want to start developing now rather than later on in life. 

An issue that I can contribute to having been on Adderall for over a decade, my daddy issue and an assortment of other things I still need to work out in my life, being a perfectionist or settling for the complete opposites are the way I have functioned for a very long time. If I am unable to do something perfectly, then I have failed and don't see the point in finishing it and seeing the given project through. This unhealthy mentality applies to many aspects of my life; from relationships, to cleaning, to school projects, this idea haunts me in my actions. 

I am not looking for a solution to this bad habit/mentality, but rather to record some ways to keep myself from getting to this point of falling back on this way of thinking. 

-keep my house moderately clean, make sure you have a place for things that need their own place

-don't make one thing the most important thing in your life, yes school is very important, but you (meaning myself) are going to have some ridiculous emotional breakdown where you are not going to be able to function or succeed in any aspects of your life if that happens.

-school is important, it is not the absolute most important thing, but work your ass off at it because it will determine your career... remember you really want a career in fashion and that shit is a hard industry to break into and succeed in

-even things out

(when i begin to feel overwhelmed and like i dont have time for anything else [even showering!], you have time... again, you will not do well in anything if you do not)

-fucking time management 

(a lot of this leads back to being intimidated and not going to get something I need for a project because I feel fat or that I look gross... rembebrer, there are much fatter and uglier people in this world, and they probably aren't carrying a cute vintage purse and wearing a pair of Tory Burch or Pierre Hardy flats... you are. START things early, hopefully you will be excited enough about the assignment to do so)

A Better Future for Myself

For a long while, I thought that the point of having a blog was to have a purpose, pursue such purpose and then write about it for any one who happens to stumble upon your blog, to read about, or better yet,  to gain followers who thought your life was awesome and worth reading about.

Today, however, I had a bit of an emotionless emotional breakdown while talking to my best friend/ mother about how I don't know my purpose in life or even short term and how that prevents me from doing anything... even figuring out what it is that I want to do. Through that conversation, and A LOT of time spent thinking about this idea, i'm beginning to realize the importance of seizing the day. 

Intimidation is something that I am often overwhelmed by, mostly in the form of my appearance/weight and the fact that I'm unable to name things off the top of my head that distinguish me from any other person in the world. This idea of being intimidated has prevented me from seeking out strong goals, interests and interesting people for a majority of my life. To claim that I have had some sort of epiphany would be ridiculous and untrue; this has been a long time coming, but it would also be false to say that my recent thoughts have been pointless and were bringing me no closer to figuring out myself and my desires. 

Although I am positive that I am going to feel intimidated and lazy many times in the future, I am now reminding myself that I am working towards something. I am working towards what is going empower me and make me a happier and more content person, not always worrying that I'm not being productive enough or having something to show for what I do.

I'm writing this is now for no other reason than to mark my own success. To mark what I hope will be one of many more posts for myself on my own blog now that I am not so fearful of the world. That although I'm not positive to what I'm bringing to it, I am bringing something that is meaningful and worthy of life to me.